Thursday, 19 February 2009
At this moment I am ensconced in a beautiful hotel a mere 50 or so metres from my idol, David Byrne. He appears to be ensconced in a big motorcoach parked directly across the street. So close. So very close. In less than two hours the 'assencion to heaven' will begin. I can honestly say that for the first time since Cowgirl died, I feel that the world is not totally dismal or distressing. I actually laughed when I thought about how much she would have adored this room and would have loved to have been here. Sigh.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
It's time to try the environmental cure. Off to Mexico to embrace the distraction that only travel to a semi-third-world country can offer. I mean that in only the kindest way -- I love Mexico and I love it in all its glory -- I don't think it needs to be 'fixed'. I am looking forward to the chaos, the basura, the street food, speaking spanglish and getting my head back on straight. Sometimes all it takes is a sit-down with some gritty reality, a few mosquito bites, some heat & humidity and a good long time spent with a good friend, one-on-one, in a world not our own. Mexico is so accommodating that way. Attending the David Byrne concert on 18th February and will post a full report probably from Mexico -- talk about the ultimate trip to heaven -- I worship the ground he walks on.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
I am just going to dive right into this obsession. Among the hurt and all the sadness of losing Cowgirl to the horrible 'hemangiosarcoma' I have discovered a community out there of others who have gone through or are going through the same experience and I wish to thank them. If there can be comfort to such intense pain it has been for me to be in their company. I now know I am not crazy. I now know that life is just a random and thoroughly unpredictable gift that we are given. It will end. It does end. Truly, no one gets out alive. I only found you after Cowgirl had died and that was because I was in such denial after her diagnosis. I did do lots of medical research and found out all about the 'abc's of the disease and it was all bad, bad, bad. I felt that my dog would be different. My dog would not die in that horrible way. Well, of course she did and I was left trying to figure out how to bring her back. That's when I found, "Tucker", "Indiana", "Dozer", "Spencer" and "Addie". You are the ones (whether or not you know it) who are getting me through. Words aren't always adequate, but in this case they are all we have...so thank you all for sharing...your love and your heartbreak. I miss my Cowgirl. I'll always miss my Cowgirl.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Yesterday I spent a couple of hours at the local animal shelter and helped out in the office a little bit. I wasn't ready to be with the dogs yet but of course I could hear them in the back every now and again, howling or barking. Mostly, though it is a quiet and peaceful place run by a woman who I am guessing is an angel in disguise. I did get to see a big, goofy 10-month old dog begin the rest of her life. It was quite a happy occasion when the person came to collect her new dog and was just so excited and happy to be doing so. This big mutt was going home to 30+ acres of mountain paradise and into a family of two other dogs (also from this shelter) to begin a great life. A sweet moment in time that is just the beginning of so many more. Like so many 'puppies' this one had no idea how much love was to come her way and how much she was going to give. Of course, my thoughts were on Cowgirl and remembering the moment she became this object of affection for me and me for her. We had had her for a few days but she was still pretty oblivious. We were down at the harbour near where we lived in California and she was running around as silly puppies do, and I called her name and she heard it and for the first time, she came running...all the way back to me. Needless to say, that was the beginning of our affair.
Sunday, 1 February 2009
..."kindness to all living beings is the one true religion"...and I cannot imagine anyone not embracing that. There are those of us who choose to direct our kindness in our own personal ways. We do not feel a need to advertise our efforts or defend our choices but that does put us at the mercy of others and their opinions. Regardless of what modern thought would have you believe, we are not all 'remarkable'. In fact most of us are not. Most of us are pretty average. Harsh? Well, I don't mean it to be. All I am saying is that if all we do is live a decent life and choose who and what we love, then isn't that okay? What is remarkable to me is that I chose to love this dog...and my thoughts are on her all the time and I miss her terribly. It may be hard for some of you to understand the depth of the grief but, I know that there are many more of you who totally understand and from that there is a comfort. I am still going on those pointless walks and still having those moments of intense sadness, but I did smile today when I found this picture of Cowgirl laughing.