So much has happened this past year. I never thought that October would be my month of anniversaries, but it is, or so it has become. Briefly to recap... one life was condemned, one was almost taken and one friendship was ended. Not to be melodramatic, but this month last year was the start of a particularly bumpy 'road trip' or rather, what I like to fondly call, the spiral down 'Depression Lane'.
Of course, like most of everybody's lives, the year started out with all the normal ups & downs. The ones that are usually handled quite easily. But like a tornado picking up fuel, the situation quickly went from bad to very bad. By October it was at its strongest and most dangerous. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of the way and went from a storm-watcher to a storm victim. By the end of that month I could have had VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. Yes, I really wrapped my head around it.
It's funny, weirdly funny, that once we cave to our circumstances, we are defined so differently. Everything that was 'us' before, changes. For me, even the way I held myself changed. I temporarily lost my braveness and became a sort of timid creature. Life felt beyond control in any way. I was always reminding myself that there really wasn't any point so way bother? I began to be consumed by sadness. Sadness with a capital 'S'. SADNESS in all caps.
Like a lot of situations in life, things were about to get even worse. I should have heeded the evacuation order but who the hell was thinking straight when it was just so damn pathetic all around? Certainly, not me. I'm sure I was a real pain in the 'arse for the next few months and only got through by the grace of my beloveds. They were the ones that stitched my heart back together.
Prognosis: the patient will live.
I started this post to talk about the upcoming road trip to the coast of Oregon, USA and ended up here. Guess I took a wrong turn somewhere. Sorry, that will have to wait until another day.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Cloudy with Chance of Depression
So much has happened this past year. I never thought that October would be my month of anniversaries, but it is, or so it has become. Briefly to recap... one life was condemned, one was almost taken and one friendship was ended. Not to be melodramatic, but this month last year was the start of a particularly bumpy 'road trip' or rather, what I like to fondly call, the spiral down 'Depression Lane'.
Of course, like most of everybody's lives, the year started out with all the normal ups & downs. The ones that are usually handled quite easily. But like a tornado picking up fuel, the situation quickly went from bad to very bad. By October it was at its strongest and most dangerous. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of the way and went from a storm-watcher to a storm victim. By the end of that month I could have had VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. Yes, I really wrapped my head around it.
It's funny, weirdly funny, that once we cave to our circumstances, we are defined so differently. Everything that was 'us' before, changes. For me, even the way I held myself changed. I temporarily lost my braveness and became a sort of timid creature. Life felt beyond control in any way. I was always reminding myself that there really wasn't any point so way bother? I began to be consumed by sadness. Sadness with a capital 'S'. SADNESS in all caps.
Like a lot of situations in life, things were about to get even worse. I should have heeded the evacuation order but who the hell was thinking straight when it was just so damn pathetic all around? Certainly, not me. I'm sure I was a real pain in the 'arse for the next few months and only got through by the grace of my beloveds. They were the ones that stitched my heart back together.
Prognosis: the patient will live.
I started this post to talk about the upcoming road trip to the coast of Oregon, USA and ended up here. Guess I took a wrong turn somewhere. Sorry, that will have to wait until another day.
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4 comments:
Sorry you had such an awful year. Thanks for sharing. I really liked this post- so well put! Life is so crazy and unpredictable. I hate it when it gets worse and worse! It's good to have people in your life who can pick you up and tolerate you even when it all goes wrong. (I speak from experience it's been one of those years for me too!) I'm glad to see things are getting sunnier again. Can't wait to hear about your road trip! Take care.
-Becca
"Don't know why, there's no sun up in the sky. Stormy weather. . . Life is bare, gloom and misry everywhere. Stormy weather. Just cant get my poorself together, Im weary all the time. So weary all the time."
What I find weird is how some people never seem to go through years like that. I mean, they have days, they have some bad times, but then I think "Man I've had horrible YEARS! - What gives??!!"
But if I had the time to think it through and figure it out, I'd probably have the time because I wasn't in the familiar whirlwind you speak of in the first place!
So it's no use. Just have to hang in and hope you land on safe ground.
You're right about our definitions changing, our core re-adjusting. It's not easy either. It's not easy. I'm sorry for all your troubles. I'm sorry for your sadness and your acquaintance with Depression and Despair. They're no help at all, those two. Just no help at all.
Keep on fightin the good fight.
And thanks for sharing.
Hello Again Gina.
Thanks for your comment, and sorry to bring you down with that terrible reality. You're right, it really does seem hopeless sometimes. It's bad enough there's places around the world with an abundance of unwanted dogs, but to know other places are breeding them on purpose for such cruelty, well that's a whole other level of depression. Quite right, quite right.
There are soon to be close to 500 pit bulls released from custody and evaluation to go to adoption. Yes, almost FIVE HUNDRED dogs. Twenty of which were pregnant females so there's nearly 100 puppies as well. It is the biggest US dog fighting bust in history and spanned across 8 states. 28 men arrested. (all going down in Missouri) While it is in fact incredible news, and wonderful that they've been allowed to live, it's extremely overwhelming. That's a lot of dogs on top of the already massive amount of homeless animals. So yes, I do get angry. Or depressed. Or both. And it's been more of an emotional roller coaster than usual with my already trying year, as you can well relate to.
But there are so many wonderful people who's lives are dedicated to the cause. And they always say that if we can save just one life, it's a good thing. I'm soo glad there's people like that who don't fall apart as easily as I do. All I can do is follow along and do what I can, when I can.
As Edmund Burke said: "The only thing neccessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Well, I can ditto about this year being pretty awful. I think for me, it started in September 08, with the beginning of the end with my dad. Life is a roller coaster,just have to hang on and take it one day at a time. I have hopes for the new year. . . You guys helped renew my dry soul for a spell. I am ready to get my batteries recharged. . . better head this way.
xoxoxo
kj
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