My Girl is Gone...

COWGIRL March 1, 1995 - December 30, 2008

And Now I See...

Clearly, there are times when the world is wrong...when things exist that just don't seem to make any sense... when there is an un-ease lurking just below the surface of my skin of something not-quite-right. But then there is a day like today when the feeling is that all is as it should be. Being somewhat obsessive by nature, this is a dreamy state of mind for me to be in...a place for everything and everything in its place. Plus the sun was shining...point taken?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This is truly a remarkable time -- this winter-thing, I mean. Or maybe I just mean WINTER, in all caps. To be so controlled by nature is rather humbling and a very new experience. When I lived in a warmer climate where everyone was in agreement that the weather was "perfect", we were a spoiled and bratty people. Whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted it, we could have. We could drive anywhere, no matter how steep the hill. We could go out for a run or a walk wearing barely nothing. We had 4-wheel drive on our cars and didn't use it. Our shoes were fashionable and barely functional. Shopping was our sport of choice. Well, THINGS HAVE CHANGED...for the better. You might think that the winter brings on isolation but quite the contrary. The social connections ramp up around this small town and at times, it is a whirlwind of activity. Everyone is bundled up warmly, and boots are big and insulated, and time is given freely, and friendships offered often.

AMEN!

Another day is what we have and I am so thankful for that. How can this be? The depth of the love that I am feeling today is beyond all bounds. It crosses all borders. It flows through all walls. It beams out of my eyes. My face hurts from smiling. I want to have this feeling...to own this feeling...to always keep it close to my heart. But, trust me, mes amis, there is more than enough for all of us so please partake, freely.

My Birthday Suit...

Another year older, a wee bit wiser, far richer and still cheeky. Cheers!

Time is of the Essence

What a difference a few days make. Life is grand again. Feeling fiesty, standing straighter, making 'To-Do' lists, seeing a bit of a future. Truly, truly, having your health really is the BIG one in the grand scheme of things (at least on this planet). As a lot of us are now experiencing...money comes, money goes...who cares? Those of us that can get up out of bed, walk, run, move, breathe easily, see, hear, etc., are really most forunate. I always have used this mantra to make myself get out there and shake it and believe me, it works. On those days when I felt lazy and sluggish, I would just remind myself how lucky I was to even be able to move and here I was complaining that "I don't feel like it" -- well boo-hoo. Let me tell you today... I cannot wait to get out there and really move again and that day is coming again soon. The worst thing for me would be having these abilities taken away and thinking that when I had the chance to stay strong and fit, I blew it by being lazy. I think being as fit as possible can only help when life throws you one from out of the blue.

Bleed me a River

Let's see if there is a way to talk about this. It is a bit difficult to admit but I am having trouble shaking this paranoid feeling that 'it' will happen again. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and it is just a matter of time and 'poof' I will blow another gasket and next time, I will indeed bleed away. I am especially nervous about being too far away from medical help. How geriatric of me, I know, but the thought does loop through my head whenever I go anywhere these days. I tend to think about some of the places...the out of the way places...the off the beaten path places...the way-out-there isolated places...that I have been to and I gasp to myself and ask, 'what if it had happened there?'.

This is all going on internally, endlessly, privately.

Back From the Brink?

Exhausted. Mostly, that is what this whole thing has left me feeling. It is a physical exhaustion, of course, but also a mental one. I am still trying to wrap my head around the 'almost' journey to the abyss. I guess I tried three times to get going and then through the modern miracle of medical intervention (and all those people calling to me) I made a legal u-turn and returned. If I say it wasn't scary, you should believe me. And if I tell you, at that time, it didn't hurt, you can believe that too. "I" wasn't even there..."I" was just watching it like a movie. Bits and pieces from the week keep popping up in my head, all out of order and jumbled. There is a lot I don't remember and maybe won't ever, but there are some very significant other moments that may never be very far off. It is not the 'dying' part that bothers me now...I think I am okay with that. I am glad to have been given some more time , make no mistake about that. What I am struggling with today is how very close life is to death. It's like one side of the mirror is life and the other side is death. There doesn't appear to be much that separates the two. I now know just how quickly one can pass through the glass and it makes me feel so vulnerable, so unsure of myself, and so distrusting of this body. Thank you all for being there. Your love helped more than you may ever know. g.

UNABASHED

There really isn't much that I can add to the glory of this fall. It's sounds so trite to just keep saying how beautiful it is. Each day is just splendid. I feel like I have recaptured those feelings that I remembered from being a kid -- a kid during autumn. Somehow the crispness of the days and the angle of the sun and crunch of the leaves and just the utter madness of this season is enough to make me want to appear in a musical -- you know 'The Sound of Music' or something equally annoying. Yeah, this season is definitely having its way with me. I am crazy in love and I don't care who knows it.

Regrettfully yours

Here we are downshifting and coasting into another season. Although autumn is quite beautiful, it really is all about endings and looking back and unfortunately, also about regrets. Usually, I boast about not having any regrets...about living a life of no regrets...about making choices and being certain they are the right choices for the time. Well, today I am not so cocky and I can't pinpoint exactly why. Maybe it is simply realizing once again how relentless life is and how it just goes on and on and on, even when your own stops. I guess the here and now in all its mediocracy is a pretty good deal when you think about it. Could this free-floating feeling of dis-ease be based on nothing more than the fact that I know two people right now who are very close to the end of their lives? Both are remarkable people and it is about to come to an end for them. Perhaps, it is just knowing that fact that is making my head spin today.

Just a dog...

Before I launch into my 'fall' series, here is just a quick update on the girl -- well, she's back. Recovering nicely with lots of stitches and not-so-pretty areas of combat, but back on the laneway of love, nevertheless. Happy Thanksgiving from the great white north.

Today's Ordeal of Love

My 'girl' just got dropped off at the vet's for yet another surgery this morning. I know, how many is that? Well, precisely...five. I swear to you that we only have the lumps and bumps removed that are of concern and without going into gruesome detail, let me say that we think long and hard about each surgery before deciding to go for it. There isn't any more to explain ... it is all quite obviously a question of love.

MUSHROOM MADNESS or FUNGUSAMONGUS

So a couple of days ago a friend so kindly gave us a pile of wild mushrooms that he had picked up in the woods a little ways behind the house here. Oh my! I sauteed them up in olive oil and butter with lots of garlic and shallot and ...you get the picture...a wild feast was had. This was not enough! The secret of wild mushrooms must be shared so he was bamboozled and harangued into taking us on a foray into the bush to learn about these incredible fungii. What fun it was to trek into the forest around dusk (just when the bears like to come out and eat, I was thinking) and hunt the wild mushroom. Sly little creatures they are and also a bit shy, but easily befriended with some sweet-talking and promises of love. At first we found just one or two of these 'honey mushrooms' but then continued along a trail until we found the motherlode. It was like we were suddenly in 'Mushroomland'...they were everywhere. Our pillowcase was quickly filled and we just had to stop picking. It was also getting darker and my pet bear phobia was nudging me ever so gently to get going. Real life is so much better than that other thing, merci beaucoup.

Function vs. Fashion?

Well, I am thinking that autumn is upon us and for my 'next' post (fair warning) you very well may be subjected to the typical fall foliage scenes. But first, some self-indulgent, gawking at some socks (yes! knit by me)...These were knit while sitting on the beach in Mexico and also in San Miguel de Allende, while just sitting. They are now in the hands, or rather, on the feet, of friends, I hope. I enjoyed making them but I really enjoyed giving them away.

The 'third eye'...

I can talk the talk and sometimes I can even walk the walk but man'o'man, it is hard to be cool in the face of someone else's intense emotion. But sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to be brutally (but in a sweet way) honest. Actually, it isn't all that hard to do, especially if you don't have any expectations that it will change anything. But, when there is a night-light flickering on and just disturbing the pineal gland enough to raise conciousness, it can be such sweetness. Oh, that wacky 'third eye'...you've got to love it.

BigCityGreat-a-Way

Just returned from a trip to the 'big city', which in this case is Vancouver, BC. Had much fun. Ate good food. Enjoyed dressed up people. Got a fancy haircut without speaking a word of Korean (!). The get-a-way was a great-a-way. I like how easily one can redefine oneself by just a change of locale -- poof -- look at me -- catch me if you can. Another thing that was nice was reconnecting with friends and being reminded why we like them so much. Ain't it sweet to get down and silly and out of the daily grind and laugh until you can't breathe...yes, I have to say, it was. Merci beaucoup, mes amis.

So many things have been swirling through my head. Where to begin? Well, just returned from a wonderful jaunt to visit friends

End of Summer Sale

Better late than not at all. I just have a few words to say regarding the end of summer...oh yes, here in the great white north the end is nigh (?). Like a light switch flipped off. One day it was HOT, HOT, HOT and the next, a definite chill was in the air. The general consensus is that, summer (such a brat) is not coming back anytime soon. So please take a look at the fast and furious bounty that came from a very short growing season. The plums are on very old trees here in the yard but the lovely vegetables are from a small, local, family farm. I just think the colors are so delicious and let me tell you so were the meals that followed. There really is something about eating fruits and vegetables in their 'season'. They actually taste like what they look like. Most of my garden went to feeding the deer this year...oh well.

I am warning you...I intend to bore you with this photo of plums only because I like the colors

Stop Making Sense

Can a heart really feel like this? This being, of course, a rhetorical question and not requiring an answer...as if there is an answer. This symbol has become very popular in certain circles and I am curious as to why. Maybe it is that both the tightly wound barbed wire and the flames seem to be very accurate descriptions of what the heart communicates to the mind. Or should I say, tries to communicate to the mind. The tricky part is what the mind does with this information. Depending on how much compulsion we add in, we can run in circles with the despair of a situation and wallow...or...we can very easily decide on another course of action. It is hard sometimes to accept the fact that we cannot go back in time and change something we said or did. Who am I kidding? It is just torture that we cannot do this. The heart wants to hold on to the grudge and the blame and keep it close, and doesn't want to listen to reason. Like a family feud that has been going on for so long no one can even remember what it's about. Listen to your heart or listen to your head? Sometimes I wish they would just try to get along.

SummerSigns...

I simply cannot help myself but one of the BIG signs of summer here is the abundance of basil. And basil means PESTO! So one afternoon this week was spent putting together all the bits and pieces that make that magic concoction. Isn't it grand to be alive and healthy in the 21st century?

Generic Me

You be the judge...are we who we appear to ourselves, or are we, as we appear to others? It is always such a fine line and in the end what matters most is how our two dimensional image fleshes out and actually touches other living things. I find myself moving more and more in the direction that means the most to me -- it is a private way and it is NOT fraught with danger -- it is just the right thing to do. A quote that says it all..."the one true religion is kindness to all living things"....oh, so true and how can we all not see the beings that need our kindness?

What is Love?

...and why must we 'love' ourselves so friggin much? I often draw a blank when I hear someone say we must love ourselves ( and appreciate ourselves and honour ourselves) before we can love others? I just don't get it. Basically, to me, all that self-centered-ness is very stifling and totally unproductive. Obviously, just remaining alive and surviving day to day and maybe doing something nice for someone else during each day, is what I can hope for. Believe me, I am okay with that. It is enough for me. Frankly, I don't find myself all that fascinating. Let's face it, we are all going out of this life alone, and I think 'eternity' is plenty of time to practice my affirmations. No, I am not depressed or blue...I am a realist and really, really love so many people. I do think that my challenge is to show my love a little bit better, a little bit clearer and a little bit sooner.

AWESOME? ....Hardly

(not 'awesome' rubber boots, but pretty nice ones) Shall we discuss amongst ourselves when and how everything under the sun has become....'AWESOME'? I am getting so tired of hearing this word used to describe the most un-awesome of things, events, emotions, people, etc.. Let's get real, very few things in life are awesome. Very few times am I struck dumb and left with jaws agape at say a pair of flip-flops ( "hey, those are awesome flip-flops") or someone's new haircut ("awesome new do, dude") or a good wine ("awesome rot-gut"). Isn't it time to retire 'awesome' to the junkyard of other 'awesome', trendy words? Lest we forget 'boss', 'neat' and 'groovy'... may they rest in peace.

Never Underestimate the Value of a Good Dipping Sauce

Really now, this was just the very first attempt at making spring rolls at home. My good friend and I were on the floor laughing when she grabbed this one in her hot little hand and gave me 'the look'. We learned a lot during the spring roll experiment, like not only is 'tightness' important, but 'moisture' is as well...Oh stop it...That is just so immature. Next time, perhaps a little less wine and a far more serious attitude and they will be a lot easier to eat.