Saturday, 29 November 2008
What a difference a few days make. Life is grand again. Feeling fiesty, standing straighter, making 'To-Do' lists, seeing a bit of a future. Truly, truly, having your health really is the BIG one in the grand scheme of things (at least on this planet). As a lot of us are now experiencing...money comes, money goes...who cares? Those of us that can get up out of bed, walk, run, move, breathe easily, see, hear, etc., are really most forunate. I always have used this mantra to make myself get out there and shake it and believe me, it works. On those days when I felt lazy and sluggish, I would just remind myself how lucky I was to even be able to move and here I was complaining that "I don't feel like it" -- well boo-hoo. Let me tell you today... I cannot wait to get out there and really move again and that day is coming again soon. The worst thing for me would be having these abilities taken away and thinking that when I had the chance to stay strong and fit, I blew it by being lazy. I think being as fit as possible can only help when life throws you one from out of the blue.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Let's see if there is a way to talk about this. It is a bit difficult to admit but I am having trouble shaking this paranoid feeling that 'it' will happen again. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and it is just a matter of time and 'poof' I will blow another gasket and next time, I will indeed bleed away. I am especially nervous about being too far away from medical help. How geriatric of me, I know, but the thought does loop through my head whenever I go anywhere these days. I tend to think about some of the places...the out of the way places...the off the beaten path places...the way-out-there isolated places...that I have been to and I gasp to myself and ask, 'what if it had happened there?'.
This is all going on internally, endlessly, privately.
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Exhausted. Mostly, that is what this whole thing has left me feeling. It is a physical exhaustion, of course, but also a mental one. I am still trying to wrap my head around the 'almost' journey to the abyss. I guess I tried three times to get going and then through the modern miracle of medical intervention (and all those people calling to me) I made a legal u-turn and returned. If I say it wasn't scary, you should believe me. And if I tell you, at that time, it didn't hurt, you can believe that too. "I" wasn't even there..."I" was just watching it like a movie. Bits and pieces from the week keep popping up in my head, all out of order and jumbled. There is a lot I don't remember and maybe won't ever, but there are some very significant other moments that may never be very far off. It is not the 'dying' part that bothers me now...I think I am okay with that. I am glad to have been given some more time , make no mistake about that. What I am struggling with today is how very close life is to death. It's like one side of the mirror is life and the other side is death. There doesn't appear to be much that separates the two. I now know just how quickly one can pass through the glass and it makes me feel so vulnerable, so unsure of myself, and so distrusting of this body. Thank you all for being there. Your love helped more than you may ever know. g.