Friday 23 January 2009


Missing so many many little moments that were so insignificant at the time, yet, when they are gone there is a pretty large empty space. Putting things into perspective more and more as the days drag into the weeks yet wanting to hold on to the silly little routines that the 'girl' and I shared. The one that comes to mind today is how she let me know, everyday without fail, that it was 5 o'clock and it was her dinnertime. How did she know that? Even when we turned the clocks forward an hour (her favorite day) she compensated for the change and still reminded me of the 'sacred' time. She didn't like the autumn so much when we turned the clocks back an hour and would complain about that until, of course, I gave in and fed her. And what about the 'self-taught doorbell' thing? In all the years we lived together, we never lived in a house with a doorbell. But, everytime Cowgirl heard a doorbell sound on the TV she would run to the front door and sit and wait for us to open it. I can't describe the look of disappointment on her face when the door was opened and there was nobody there. She absolutely adored company as any of you that knew her could attest. Then, of course there was her rule about no bath taken without her supervision. I think this one was because she was so relieved that it wasn't her in the tub and she just had to see it to believe it. I always, always got a kiss while in the tub as a thank you. I miss that, a lot. She was the funniest puppy and I so want her back.

Tuesday 13 January 2009

The Winter of my Discontent

...and so it begins...the slow pulling up out of the abyss. This sadness is like being wrapped in cotton and words sound like underwater noises, a foreign language. Nonesense. No sense. But let me see if I can put something together that makes some sense. First of all, I have been touched by the outpouring of compassion, sympathy and empathy from so many people. I have felt so much love these last two weeks and it has been so soothing to the raw hurt. Although, I have had such difficulty speaking, the words catch in my throat, so many others have spoken so well. It has given me the freedom to honour the ending of a life that was to me a love affair of sorts. I would have to say it was the miracle of being in a relationship where I was never not simply seems to be the heart of it. (This evening we drove out to the farm where the girl is buried and took in her view)