Monday 2 November 2015

How to Fracture a Family

Hmmmm.  Yes it has been quite awhile since I've posted anything here and not because I haven't tried.  Let me say that as is always true in life, for all of us,  things got complicated.   Hence the title of this post.  But I am not going there or anywhere near 'there' today.  I'll leave it to your imagination as to the why and the how,  but I will say that things have sorted themselves out in the only way possible since they were going in that direction for most of my life.   Shortly after that last post way back in February I headed down south for what turned out to be the end of life for my mother.  Unexpected on so many levels yet not on one big one -- she was 88 years old.   It is a all too common story I now know -- a fall, a break, a surgery to repair said break, pneumonia, heart attack, kidney failure, hospice, the end.   For any of you that know me, you know that talking about this now in what may sound like a glib and matter of fact way is only because the shock and exhaustion of the whole ordeal is tucked behind me.  We all did what we felt we had to do and each and every family member and friend that participated in the weeks leading up to and during, and after this event has come away with their own version.

I lost my mother which is a terrible thing for anyone but death is a part of life obviously.  The other family members who were lost,  were not lost due to death,  but their loss was orchestrated consciously out of some need that remains a mystery to me and may always remain so.   I am beyond any feelings of anger or sadness at their choice to absent themselves from me,  although it is ultimately,  very sad.   Out of respect for all of them I will remain out of their sphere. 

Death definitely brings out the worst in some,  but  the very best in others.     Never more true for me than now,  so holding a grudge is not going to be part of my repertoire.   A choice we all can make or not.
A thousand thanks to those who acted with grace and selflessness and dignity during a difficult and sad time.  You know who you are.   I think the term is 'stepped up to the plate'.   I would not have been able to go it alone. 

                                    ....     life is indeed still good    ...




Unknown said...

Hi Gina

I've been thinking of you lots this past year....I go to Frog's Peak a lot with my knitting and the owner of the cafe said she knew you — small world. Glad life is still good for you, death is part of our lives-we cannot avoid it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Karen -- I could meet up with you for a knit & coffee one day this winter? Let me know....g

kevel88 said...

Glad you are going back to posting. Now that I am retired, I will do a blog soon,too. Better outlet, I agree, than FB. FB does not contain on the whole, "DEEP THOUGHTS". But it is a format to "touch base".

Back to your post,family end life issues does often bring out the best or worst in families and not always, what the family member who is passing wants. I remember my dad wanted to have 2 shocks to the heart during the CPR. Why he focused on 2, I have no idea. However, when I explained that we would easily break his ribs while pumping on his chest,and would need to have a tube down his throat, the 2 shocks didn't seem so simple and he declined all heroics. Thankfully, all the siblings were united in the efforts to keep him comfortable.

But why do some families fear death so much and often try to out ride the wishes of the dying loved one by having barbaric procedures, machines, etc put in place. We all will die someday. Why is this issue so often ignored and kept hush, hush? Probably one reason is the public see CPR on tv and 2 minutes later the patient is eating a steak dinner. Not reality for sure!!

As a nurse, I hope that my wishes are honored. Maybe I will put a tattoo on my vocal cords "do not resusitate"!


Anonymous said...

Anig, it's been a tough, and blessed year for so many. Death, it messes with those who can't deal with it, and it's relative "finiteness". I view it more as ones Graduation Day. This life on earth is to be lived, until one has finished their journey, in the confines of their flesh, then they get to go back to the freedom of "being". I'm not sure who said the quote I read, loosely quoted, but it resonated in my soul. "I find people funny....thinking we are human beings on a spiritual journey when really, we are spiritual beings on a human journey." Love you, Love your Blog - Elleoj

Cowgirl said...

Kathy & Elleoj -- thanks so much for your thoughtful comments and for being such good friends. Much love your way and glad we're all in this together. g