fragmented

I have been set spiraling. It's just an observation, just a curious case of introspection and dissection and, yes, a whole lot of rumination . What is it that can cause this feeling of just not being so together anymore? So...complicated and so...pathetic that I am, here I go trying to figure it out. Perhaps it is my FANTASY life thinking that it is my REALITY life...God don't you hate when that happens? You are going along , la-di-da-ing, when something 'real' sucker punches you. I know I am not being clear here but I am just a jumbled up mess of contradictions and nonsense today. I feel like I am in bits and pieces, scattered here and there. Broken things that need fixing. Is there anyone out there?

"Having Said That"

Sometimes you can choose your relatives. Even though our 'familial' tie is a bit of a stretch (too complicated to explain) we have decided that it is enough to consider ourselves 'cousins' of a sort. The last 3 weeks here with Kathy have been hilarious & ridiculous. You know how it is when you are with someone who gets your humour and is also a really good sport about being the object of the joke, as well. Plus, she lets me dress her, which for anyone that knows me, knows that is one of my secret thrills. "Having said that", I was confounded, befuddled and perplexed about which photos to post that would accurately reflect our visit. I could have just gone with the beautiful pictures that Kathy took of the lake and here they are. But, the temptation to include one, just one, dress'-up shot was too much for me. I am weak. I am tweaked. I know not what I do.

Swimming With the Fishes

This is the first time for PG on the kayak and she only dumped us once. I say, not bad, considering her, uh, 'giddy' personality. The capsizing occurred when she spotted a large, white & black, round buoy that we were serenely rowing towards. I noticed her rapt attention and then her low growl. So, I decided the best thing to do was just get closer to it and let her see that it was just a big ball in the water and nothing to be scared of. Of course, we now know that I totally misjudged this one. As we got closer and closer she started to get panicked and before I could stop, change directions or do anything...she bolted. First though, she jumped on me and using me as a springboard dove into the lake. The kayak flipped (in slow mo) and I followed. Man, it was cold. I was so happy we were both wearing our life vests as it took a moment to figure out what to do. We were not too far from shore but way over our heads. First thing I had to do was grab her (as she was trying to climb up on the upside down kayak) and point her towards the shore and push her away. So as she was paddling towards land, I started towing the kayak in as well. Swimming is hard when you are not used to it and I am not, but slowly I made it and all was well. I caught my breath, righted the boat, got back in and after a few minutes convinced PG to get back on with me. We steered clear of that horrible, scary, buoy. No, I have no pictures and there was no one around to see us (or even save us ) but a good lesson learned by me. STAY CLOSE TO THE SHORE....WEAR A LIFE VEST NO MATTER HOW HOT IT IS...GO WITH ANOTHER BUDDY....DON'T FACE THE DOG'S FEARS WHILE ON WATER...GET BACK ON AND RIDE AGAIN. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

So anyway, here is the thing.

Dedicated to the Ones I Love

Some relationships are so fleeting, it seems, and others are so enduring. Some are relatively simple while others are so complicated. The complicated ones are exhausting and doomed to failure while the simple ones just float on and on until one day the inevitable occurs. Sigh. I think about dying almost every night as I am falling asleep...don't worry, it is not an obsessive or morbid ritual. It is just that I want to be 'right' with it or maybe just 'ready ' for it. For me that means really living a life that that fits me well. I am trying to follow a longing that keeps resurfacing on a regular basis and that is to be more and more self-sufficient and simple. Funny, huh, that what I want is so 19th century when you think about it. Yes, I know, what I have now is pretty ideal in many ways, but, this other longing is always back there in the fog. I think it is a longing for freedom just to do, and to be, while I can, on my own little piece of earth. Another of what I like to call 'a true thing'. Not to try to get that true thing would be regret on my part. Regret, seems not to be an option. I miss my 'girl' and I miss a few others that have made this such a good run so far. It's the whole package, really, that is painting this life. There is so much more to do...ride 'em cowgirl.

Move It Along, Please

Death is delayed, never avoided. Such a comforting thought, seriously, and not morbid at all. It merely points out the obvious, which is, all we've got is today, baby. I wish I could be one of those that 'knows' there is something even more wonderful in the sweet hereafter, but I just can't get my head around that. Sorry. Personally, I find great comfort in knowing that this is all we get -- all of us -- all creatures great and small -- get the same shot. I like the fact that life is an even playing field. 'Kindness to all living things is the one true religion'. Not sure who this is attributed to (Buddha? perhaps?) but this seems to continue to work for me. It's simple, it's all-inclusive, it's easy. Anyone can do it.

Yessssss...

You have got to love this...today is Quit Facebook Day in Canada! Of course I have already 'deactivated' my F-book account (2 weeks ago). I was suspicious of that word as really I wanted to 'destroy & delete' but F-book as far as I could tell, wouldn't give me that choice. Here are some of my own reasons: *it is boring to read other people's messages to eachother * it is addictive as I found myself on more than one occasion looking at friends of friends and then, their friends * it is a HUGE waste of time * it is boring, in general * the so-called 're-connecting' with long lost friends reminds me why we 'dis-connected' in the first place * it is very impersonal & isolating * joining those various groups & clubs, well, I just don't know what that is all about * even an email to an individual is more personal, let alone a phone call, or a card, or a note, or dear God....a visit (?!) * blogging is better -- no convincing needed here right? * no one can possibly have that many 'friends' ...can you say 'narcissistic' ? * resorting to the public forum of F-book to contact someone made me feel that something was terribly awry in my life I am sure there are many other reasons that I will think of later but for now I am going out on hike with the dogs. Yes, actually in the real forest, even past the real farm down the lane. Cheers and get out there and get dirty today.

'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep'

How do they go from being so timid and shy to basically taking over the bed? This is where Miss 'PonyLongLegs' ends up by morning...every morning. Of course she has her own, very comfortable sleeping arrangement, on the floor. That is where she starts out the night. Then, as soon as I enter the deepest of sleep modes, she must make her move. I then realize I am being crowded to the edge of the bed, but of course, can do nothing about it because I am sleeping. This struggle goes on for the rest of the night with an occasional moan from her if I dare disturb her at all. Okay, tonight, I am putting my foot down. I vow to make her return to her own bed each time she creeps into mine. My days of the ''menage a trois" are over. Wish me luck?

Health Food?

I am just posting this picture because this cake was delicious and so pretty. I made it for a friend's birthday. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I am finally learning how to bake. For-ever, I have believed that I was not a baker. But, over the last couple of years I have picked & chosen a few special recipes to try and master and this is my latest. It is an Italian almond cake. It calls for 'almond paste' as one of the ingredients and guess what?!? I made the paste myself. ( The miracle of the internet ). I was amazed at how easy it is to make and now almond paste has been demystified. Life, really is getting simpler by the day. Oh, dear god, what is next? Actually, I am thinking of fostering a Mexican puppy. We are trying to work out the details of getting one here. Its complicated, but not impossible. I love how this movement is taking on a life of its own and more and more people are finding 'mutts' in the most unlikely places. More to follow as this develops.

Home, with the neighbors fighting...

Its been so incredibly beautiful here the last few days that I feel I have to mention it. To have this view just out the front door, off the deck, is sometimes beyond belief. Here is where we spend so much of our time during the summer. It is a great place to sit in the morning with that first cup of coffee. Lunch 'al fresco' is sweet. Dinner outside every night, just as the sun is setting, is pure bliss. It seems that I have so many pictures of this view and every one of them is just a little bit different. At times like these, it is hard to remember the 'downs' (you know... 'life's ups & downs'?) and I guess that is the beauty of feeling 'at home'.