Time is of the Essence

What a difference a few days make. Life is grand again. Feeling fiesty, standing straighter, making 'To-Do' lists, seeing a bit of a future. Truly, truly, having your health really is the BIG one in the grand scheme of things (at least on this planet). As a lot of us are now experiencing...money comes, money goes...who cares? Those of us that can get up out of bed, walk, run, move, breathe easily, see, hear, etc., are really most forunate. I always have used this mantra to make myself get out there and shake it and believe me, it works. On those days when I felt lazy and sluggish, I would just remind myself how lucky I was to even be able to move and here I was complaining that "I don't feel like it" -- well boo-hoo. Let me tell you today... I cannot wait to get out there and really move again and that day is coming again soon. The worst thing for me would be having these abilities taken away and thinking that when I had the chance to stay strong and fit, I blew it by being lazy. I think being as fit as possible can only help when life throws you one from out of the blue.

Bleed me a River

Let's see if there is a way to talk about this. It is a bit difficult to admit but I am having trouble shaking this paranoid feeling that 'it' will happen again. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and it is just a matter of time and 'poof' I will blow another gasket and next time, I will indeed bleed away. I am especially nervous about being too far away from medical help. How geriatric of me, I know, but the thought does loop through my head whenever I go anywhere these days. I tend to think about some of the places...the out of the way places...the off the beaten path places...the way-out-there isolated places...that I have been to and I gasp to myself and ask, 'what if it had happened there?'.

This is all going on internally, endlessly, privately.

Back From the Brink?

Exhausted. Mostly, that is what this whole thing has left me feeling. It is a physical exhaustion, of course, but also a mental one. I am still trying to wrap my head around the 'almost' journey to the abyss. I guess I tried three times to get going and then through the modern miracle of medical intervention (and all those people calling to me) I made a legal u-turn and returned. If I say it wasn't scary, you should believe me. And if I tell you, at that time, it didn't hurt, you can believe that too. "I" wasn't even there..."I" was just watching it like a movie. Bits and pieces from the week keep popping up in my head, all out of order and jumbled. There is a lot I don't remember and maybe won't ever, but there are some very significant other moments that may never be very far off. It is not the 'dying' part that bothers me now...I think I am okay with that. I am glad to have been given some more time , make no mistake about that. What I am struggling with today is how very close life is to death. It's like one side of the mirror is life and the other side is death. There doesn't appear to be much that separates the two. I now know just how quickly one can pass through the glass and it makes me feel so vulnerable, so unsure of myself, and so distrusting of this body. Thank you all for being there. Your love helped more than you may ever know. g.

UNABASHED

There really isn't much that I can add to the glory of this fall. It's sounds so trite to just keep saying how beautiful it is. Each day is just splendid. I feel like I have recaptured those feelings that I remembered from being a kid -- a kid during autumn. Somehow the crispness of the days and the angle of the sun and crunch of the leaves and just the utter madness of this season is enough to make me want to appear in a musical -- you know 'The Sound of Music' or something equally annoying. Yeah, this season is definitely having its way with me. I am crazy in love and I don't care who knows it.

Regrettfully yours

Here we are downshifting and coasting into another season. Although autumn is quite beautiful, it really is all about endings and looking back and unfortunately, also about regrets. Usually, I boast about not having any regrets...about living a life of no regrets...about making choices and being certain they are the right choices for the time. Well, today I am not so cocky and I can't pinpoint exactly why. Maybe it is simply realizing once again how relentless life is and how it just goes on and on and on, even when your own stops. I guess the here and now in all its mediocracy is a pretty good deal when you think about it. Could this free-floating feeling of dis-ease be based on nothing more than the fact that I know two people right now who are very close to the end of their lives? Both are remarkable people and it is about to come to an end for them. Perhaps, it is just knowing that fact that is making my head spin today.

Just a dog...

Before I launch into my 'fall' series, here is just a quick update on the girl -- well, she's back. Recovering nicely with lots of stitches and not-so-pretty areas of combat, but back on the laneway of love, nevertheless. Happy Thanksgiving from the great white north.

Today's Ordeal of Love

My 'girl' just got dropped off at the vet's for yet another surgery this morning. I know, how many is that? Well, precisely...five. I swear to you that we only have the lumps and bumps removed that are of concern and without going into gruesome detail, let me say that we think long and hard about each surgery before deciding to go for it. There isn't any more to explain ... it is all quite obviously a question of love.

MUSHROOM MADNESS or FUNGUSAMONGUS

So a couple of days ago a friend so kindly gave us a pile of wild mushrooms that he had picked up in the woods a little ways behind the house here. Oh my! I sauteed them up in olive oil and butter with lots of garlic and shallot and ...you get the picture...a wild feast was had. This was not enough! The secret of wild mushrooms must be shared so he was bamboozled and harangued into taking us on a foray into the bush to learn about these incredible fungii. What fun it was to trek into the forest around dusk (just when the bears like to come out and eat, I was thinking) and hunt the wild mushroom. Sly little creatures they are and also a bit shy, but easily befriended with some sweet-talking and promises of love. At first we found just one or two of these 'honey mushrooms' but then continued along a trail until we found the motherlode. It was like we were suddenly in 'Mushroomland'...they were everywhere. Our pillowcase was quickly filled and we just had to stop picking. It was also getting darker and my pet bear phobia was nudging me ever so gently to get going. Real life is so much better than that other thing, merci beaucoup.

Function vs. Fashion?

Well, I am thinking that autumn is upon us and for my 'next' post (fair warning) you very well may be subjected to the typical fall foliage scenes. But first, some self-indulgent, gawking at some socks (yes! knit by me)...These were knit while sitting on the beach in Mexico and also in San Miguel de Allende, while just sitting. They are now in the hands, or rather, on the feet, of friends, I hope. I enjoyed making them but I really enjoyed giving them away.