My Girl is Gone...

COWGIRL March 1, 1995 - December 30, 2008

And Now I See...

Clearly, there are times when the world is wrong...when things exist that just don't seem to make any sense... when there is an un-ease lurking just below the surface of my skin of something not-quite-right. But then there is a day like today when the feeling is that all is as it should be. Being somewhat obsessive by nature, this is a dreamy state of mind for me to be in...a place for everything and everything in its place. Plus the sun was shining...point taken?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This is truly a remarkable time -- this winter-thing, I mean. Or maybe I just mean WINTER, in all caps. To be so controlled by nature is rather humbling and a very new experience. When I lived in a warmer climate where everyone was in agreement that the weather was "perfect", we were a spoiled and bratty people. Whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted it, we could have. We could drive anywhere, no matter how steep the hill. We could go out for a run or a walk wearing barely nothing. We had 4-wheel drive on our cars and didn't use it. Our shoes were fashionable and barely functional. Shopping was our sport of choice. Well, THINGS HAVE CHANGED...for the better. You might think that the winter brings on isolation but quite the contrary. The social connections ramp up around this small town and at times, it is a whirlwind of activity. Everyone is bundled up warmly, and boots are big and insulated, and time is given freely, and friendships offered often.

AMEN!

Another day is what we have and I am so thankful for that. How can this be? The depth of the love that I am feeling today is beyond all bounds. It crosses all borders. It flows through all walls. It beams out of my eyes. My face hurts from smiling. I want to have this feeling...to own this feeling...to always keep it close to my heart. But, trust me, mes amis, there is more than enough for all of us so please partake, freely.

My Birthday Suit...

Another year older, a wee bit wiser, far richer and still cheeky. Cheers!

Time is of the Essence

What a difference a few days make. Life is grand again. Feeling fiesty, standing straighter, making 'To-Do' lists, seeing a bit of a future. Truly, truly, having your health really is the BIG one in the grand scheme of things (at least on this planet). As a lot of us are now experiencing...money comes, money goes...who cares? Those of us that can get up out of bed, walk, run, move, breathe easily, see, hear, etc., are really most forunate. I always have used this mantra to make myself get out there and shake it and believe me, it works. On those days when I felt lazy and sluggish, I would just remind myself how lucky I was to even be able to move and here I was complaining that "I don't feel like it" -- well boo-hoo. Let me tell you today... I cannot wait to get out there and really move again and that day is coming again soon. The worst thing for me would be having these abilities taken away and thinking that when I had the chance to stay strong and fit, I blew it by being lazy. I think being as fit as possible can only help when life throws you one from out of the blue.

Bleed me a River

Let's see if there is a way to talk about this. It is a bit difficult to admit but I am having trouble shaking this paranoid feeling that 'it' will happen again. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and it is just a matter of time and 'poof' I will blow another gasket and next time, I will indeed bleed away. I am especially nervous about being too far away from medical help. How geriatric of me, I know, but the thought does loop through my head whenever I go anywhere these days. I tend to think about some of the places...the out of the way places...the off the beaten path places...the way-out-there isolated places...that I have been to and I gasp to myself and ask, 'what if it had happened there?'.

This is all going on internally, endlessly, privately.

Back From the Brink?

Exhausted. Mostly, that is what this whole thing has left me feeling. It is a physical exhaustion, of course, but also a mental one. I am still trying to wrap my head around the 'almost' journey to the abyss. I guess I tried three times to get going and then through the modern miracle of medical intervention (and all those people calling to me) I made a legal u-turn and returned. If I say it wasn't scary, you should believe me. And if I tell you, at that time, it didn't hurt, you can believe that too. "I" wasn't even there..."I" was just watching it like a movie. Bits and pieces from the week keep popping up in my head, all out of order and jumbled. There is a lot I don't remember and maybe won't ever, but there are some very significant other moments that may never be very far off. It is not the 'dying' part that bothers me now...I think I am okay with that. I am glad to have been given some more time , make no mistake about that. What I am struggling with today is how very close life is to death. It's like one side of the mirror is life and the other side is death. There doesn't appear to be much that separates the two. I now know just how quickly one can pass through the glass and it makes me feel so vulnerable, so unsure of myself, and so distrusting of this body. Thank you all for being there. Your love helped more than you may ever know. g.

UNABASHED

There really isn't much that I can add to the glory of this fall. It's sounds so trite to just keep saying how beautiful it is. Each day is just splendid. I feel like I have recaptured those feelings that I remembered from being a kid -- a kid during autumn. Somehow the crispness of the days and the angle of the sun and crunch of the leaves and just the utter madness of this season is enough to make me want to appear in a musical -- you know 'The Sound of Music' or something equally annoying. Yeah, this season is definitely having its way with me. I am crazy in love and I don't care who knows it.